It’s not unusual, even today, to hear someone say, “Well, that’s the Brush side coming out!”
This statement is often not a compliment - but it does have its positive element. There are traits that define our family; these traits point to the influence the family unit has had over the members of the family. These qualities have their roots in the behaviors and traditions that our parents and even grandparents have modeled and established over the years.
I strongly believe that a family is a critical building block of culture. Establishing your family with the right identity, the right feeling of belonging, the right world view, is an amazing way you can help your family to be light and life to this crazy world.
Establishing a family identity, however, can be a little tricky. Sometimes it turns out your family is identified by something you really did not intend. If you are constantly screaming and arguing with each other, that becomes part of your identity. If you are one thing to the outside world and a completely different person to your family, that also becomes part of your family identity. If you are constantly complaining or judgmental, this can also become a family distinctive. If you only give God lip service on Sunday and totally forget Him the rest of the week, that will be a hallmark of your family your kids will remember. And if, sadly, your marriage ends in divorce, this becomes a major identifier of your home.
Passivity versus Intentionality
In order to establish a healthy and positive family identity, you will need to be intentional – beginning with the end in mind. Here are some questions you and your spouse might want to ask yourselves as you consider this:
· What can we do to move the hearts of our children toward God and his kingdom?
· What other values do we want to inculcate into our children?
· What do we want the atmosphere of our home to be?
· What shared activities will help establish who we are?
· What kind of marriage relationship do we want to present to our children?
· What can we do to prepare our children to be good, self-sufficient citizens?
In this post and the next, I will present a few suggestions of things we did to establish an identity in our home. In this post, I will be discussing what we did to address the most important (to us) – our spiritual identity.
Spiritual Routines
In our home, the first question above was a major driving force for establishing our identity. That is why we made every effort to make the atmosphere of our home one where God was always in focus. We did this in three basic areas.
1. Family worship
The first step we took, once the boys were old enough, was to institute a regular time of prayer with the family. The boys needed to hear us talk to God – and to learn to talk to Him themselves. This time also involved reading a selection from the Bible as well as singing, since that is what was modeled for me by my mom and dad. When I was young, this was called the “family altar” or “family devotions”.
At our house we simply called it devotions. Right before bedtime, we would call out “Time for devotions!” and we would then all gather in the den, some sitting on the couch, some sitting on the ottoman, some on the floor. Devotions usually lasted about fifteen minutes, sometimes a little longer.
You may be asking: How did you know what to read from the Bible? Well, I did not select scriptures that were hard to understand or obscure. I realized I that my sons were like tender sprouts that needed special care to eventually grow into men of God.
So, as I said above, I did not just read straight through the Bible and get bogged down in Leviticus. No, I used familiar stories (like David and Goliath or the creation story) or familiar psalms. Then I would try to apply them in simple ways to their everyday life. Some of you reading this may be uncomfortable with this, thinking that you are not equipped to be a Bible teacher, even to little children. If that’s you, there are many books and tools to use that will help you present the Bible to your kids. In fact, there are a lot more now than when we were raising our boys.
Singing was a crucial part of our family DNA. I was raised in a family that treated music as one of the sciences, so this was a tradition that was natural to pass along. As far as what to sing, we would sing some familiar kids’ songs and would try to make it fun, doing all the motions to “Only a Boy Named David”, “Peter, James and John in the Sailboat” or “Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man” or “Away in a Manger” (Google them). Gradually we introduced them to some of the old hymns of the church, such as “Amazing Grace”, “It is Well”, “Abide With Me” and “Rock of Ages”.
Believe me, keeping up this routine was not always easy and was often inconvenient. However, one of the benefits of having a regular time of prayer was that it was also, by definition, a family meeting. This meant that, if we needed to discuss something, we could use this time. The parents usually set the agenda, but sometimes the boys would lead us astray, and it could lead to some funny moments. My son Jonny told about one of these in a previous Trad Dad post on this topic.
To sum up, don’t expect some light from Heaven to come down and flood your children’s heart every time you have family prayer time. Remember, you have to keep the long view. You may have to adjust your tactics from year to year as they get older, but always keep the strategic goal in mind: God should be kept in focus.
2. Corporate Worship – Extending Your Family Identity
Of equal importance in their spiritual growth was church attendance. This was a given in our family. There was never a question of whether or not we were going to make it that week, unless sickness or some other emergency did not permit us to attend. We also made sure that our sons were active in whatever was being planned for their age group.
Why is church attendance so important, especially if we already have such an emphasis at home? Because the church becomes an extended local family that expands your family’s identity to include a much more diverse group, but one that shares your basic values. You now have more family members; people and families that agree with your world view and that will act as a support group for your sons.
In fact, you are now part of an even larger group, one that extends out from your church to the whole world. And, if you believe what the Bible says, this is a family that will extend into eternity.
3. Individual Spiritual Growth – Internalizing Family Identity
What about their personal spiritual walk? As our boys grew, we did not make a big deal out of personal quiet times. If I had it to do over again, I might change our approach. But, at the time, we considered this to be between them and God. We wanted them to decide on their own to start a one-on-one time with God.
They did see this modeled in their mom and dad, however; and this did bear fruit. And, from time to time, we would emphasize it when it came up as part of family devotions. So, over the years, each of them learned that positive, personal spiritual growth was not automatic. The second law of thermodynamics applies in the spiritual world just like it does in the natural world – left to itself, your spiritual life will go from order to disorder. In short, they learned who to go to if they felt themselves falling into spiritual disorder.
Next: Other rhythms and routines that can establish your family’s identity
I remember how music was planted in your birth family genes. It's a valuable tool of worship, teaching doctrine as children grow old enough to learn the old hymns.